Dear Annie: How to Support Neighbors After a Tragic Loss
A reader shares their concern about the right time to reach out to neighbors following a tragedy:
“Our dear neighbors recently lost their twins. They were stillborn, and it was such a tragedy. I sent a sizable memorial to an organization and sent the acknowledgment to our neighbors with our deepest sympathy. It has been close to a year, and we have not received an acknowledgment of said memorial. I’m at a loss as to whether to say something like, ‘Our memorial must have gotten lost in the mail, but this is what we did,’ or just not say anything. I don’t want them to think we thought so little of their tragic loss that we did nothing, but then if I do say something, will it just bring up their horrible loss again?”
They also mentioned a related situation:
“A similar but not as sensitive issue is when my husband and I send checks for weddings, anniversaries, or birthdays and receive no acknowledgments. We know they’ve been cashed as I reconcile our bank statement monthly, but we get no thank yous in return. I would love your thoughts and your readers’, too.”
Annie’s Advice on Handling Grief and Etiquette
Dear Annie explains that grief changes typical social expectations:
- Normal etiquette doesn’t always apply when people are grieving deeply.
- The neighbors’ silence is not a lack of gratitude but a sign of their emotional struggle.
- It is best not to mention the donation to them directly.
- They likely remember and appreciate the gesture despite being unable to express it.
“Your neighbors’ silence isn’t a reflection of their gratitude but a reflection of their grief. Don’t mention the donation to them. I’m sure they remember and appreciate your thoughtfulness even if they haven’t had the emotional capacity to say so. If you want peace of mind, contact the organization directly to confirm your gift was received.”
Summary
In times of loss, patience and understanding are key; gestures of kindness are often felt even when words are absent.